Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
