My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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