i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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