Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
