like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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