i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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