is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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