I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
