Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
