His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
