he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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