can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
