How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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