can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
