Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
