she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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