i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
