I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
