I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
