I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
jump out the window naked night went bad
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
