My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
