Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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