I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
