Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
