Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
