I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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