Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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