i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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