Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he fucked my hip out of place.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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