At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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