I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
