if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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