Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
