I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
