The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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