i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
