Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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