Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
