Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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