The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
high people should be assigned attendants
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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