i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
