and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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