If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
