I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
