you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
