before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Best friends brother. Beat that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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