I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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