I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
