my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
