Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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