they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Randomize
