I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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