You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
